Three things you should never say to a midlife woman… and what to say instead
by Claire Isaac
At the age of 52 I have some wisdom to impart.
It’s not the kind of wisdom I’m sure we all thought we’d have as we aged — oh no. You know the kind of wisdom you imagine older people are gathering throughout life, wisdom that will get passed down in their twilight years to a host of eager young faces, gazing up at them in wonderment.
No, not that kind.
Though I am sure I can come up with some of that, too. Here you go: wash your bedclothes every week, you’re not a f***king student anymore, dark chocolate is better for you but MY GOD Aldi’s Choceur Salted Pretzel chocolate is more delicious, be nice to your parents, and your siblings, take care of your superannuation and it wouldn’t kill you to read a goddam book every once in a while – you really need to keep that brain working or it will give up on you later in life, and watching The Bachelor franchise just won’t cut it, OK?
There you go, I do have some in me.
But that’s enough of that.
What I’m talking about here is wisdom when it comes to talking to midlife women. Did you know there are more people over 45 in Australia than there are under 30? I read that somewhere. So we deserve respect. And jobs. And money. Loads of money. All the money, in fact.
So here are three things you may not want to say to us anymore, and some ideas for what to say instead. Because you know, one day you’ll be here too.
You don’t look insert age here
You know what? We do. We look that age. It’s physically and biologically impossible for that not to be the case. If a woman is aged 52 or 49 or 65, she looks it. She may have a good skincare regimen, a great dermatologist or a surgeon, but let me make this very clear, if she’s a 52/49/65 year old woman, she looks like a 52/49/65 year old woman. It may not be how you imagined someone of that age would look, but it’s you who needs to change your idea of what ageing looks like, mate. We’re doing fine over here.
SAY INSTEAD: Your skin is glowing - what moisturiser do you use?
It’s nice having you here in the office, it’s like having a work mum
No. No it’s not. It’s like having a colleague who is good at her job and has experience and valid input into the business. I will not go to the chemist on the way to work and grab you a morning-after pill (yes, that has happened to me!) nor will I do your washing up, pick up wine glasses or make the cheese platter.
Oh, well, maybe the cheese platter but that’s only because I can make a damn good one.
Having a midlife woman in the office doesn’t mean you can expect her to do anything but be experienced and good at her job.
I’m not the cleaner, either, even if I do know how to soak brie off a wooden chopping board.
SAY INSTEAD: Your experience and ideas are impressive — I feel privileged every day to have someone of your calibre on our team.
I don’t know how you can still wear that — you’re so brave!
Bravery is rescuing a child from a burning building, facing up to addiction or donating an organ, it’s not wearing hot pink trainers, a leopard maxi skirt or a bold lip.
Wearing clothes isn’t brave, it’s about individual taste and choices. A woman of any age can choose what she wears and, to be honest, if it shocks you that a middle aged lady is wearing a mini dress and heels then see point one above — you may need to change your idea of what ageing looks like.
I have never grasped the concept of dressing in trends one minute, then hitting the big 5-0 or some such and suddenly walking into Millers for some sensible slacks and a mid heel.
Same goes for hair, while we’re at it. The midlife bob, or the older lady short, curly crop isn’t de rigeur for all women of a certain age. Sure, if hormonal changes have rendered your locks unworkable, or if the menopause has made it fall out or go weird, then cut it off… or don’t. I don’t care. It’s none of my business.
If women want to dye their locks red or green (or both) and grow it down to their southward-sliding arses, while rocking a statement lip and a leopard-print sequinned boot at any age, then they bloody well can.
SAY INSTEAD: Where the f*** did you get those amazing shoes?