No one can force you to do yoga as you hit 50, right? Namaste that, muthaf***a!

by Claire Isaac

Let’s get straight to it. I will never do yoga again in my life.

They keep saying that, as an “older” woman I should take it up because, well, fitness. But what if I don’t want to do it?

I want to be flexible but I’m afraid there is no flexibility on this one.

I can’t do woo woo, I can’t find a chakra if my life depends on it, and if I’m totally honest, I can’t get from salute to the sun to downward dog without doing myself an injury.

I’ve tried it. It’s not pretty.

And yet we’re always telling women of a certain vintage that yoga, some brain training and eating some dairy is all they need to head smooth sailing into old age.

But — and here’s the thing — there are a host of us with lactose intolerance, a brain full of work-related problems, a dodgy hip and a revulsion towards anything involving chanting or finding your third eye.

If that’s your (batik) bag, I say go for it. I just can’t, and won’t. So stop telling me to salute the sun.

And yes, before you say it, even “exercise yoga” — the kind people who like yoga think people who don’t, will — does my head (and my back) in.

I’m not anti-exercise. I’m just anti-that. And surely, if I don’t like something at my age, I can choose NOT to do it? I mean, I haven’t eaten baked beans or tinned spaghetti for years.

It’s called being a grown up.

I’m all for pilates — it’s science-based, has machines involved for starters. And yes, I’ll even, well, stretch to a stretch class if needed.

I love to walk around the park and the neighbourhood, love a coastal walk. Can break into a gentle jog when required.*

*if, I hasten to add, it’s rarely required.

I can use resistance bands and hand weights, I love a Tracy Anderson arm workout in my loungeroom. I do the stretches my physio gave me for my back. I even do some meditation apps and breathing exercises.

But I can’t — and won’t — hold myself cross-legged above the ground, or stand on one foot while holding the other one out to the side. If that’s what makes you happy, you go for it.

If I’m honest, what makes me happy is cake and wine and TV. Horses for courses.

I can’t do it. I’ve tried. I’ve gone with “the flow” and found it hard to get back up. I’ve tried Vinyasa, Hatha, Ashtanga, hell, I’ve tried Leonardo, Donatello AND Michelangelo. And that’s a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles joke, kids.

Of course I want to remain moveable, malleable and bendy for as long as I can, but to be honest, if I try yoga again, something will snap. And it could be me.

I know that as I get older I need to work harder. Sitting around talking about exercise no longer cuts it I know. But sitting around talking about yoga is far better than doing it (which yes, involves sitting around, though not in the manner I’d like).

Can we find another thing that older ladies should do that can be – ahem — inserted into that prescription for a healthy life? That would be great.

Namaste.